Sunday, April 20, 2008

I hate myself... I hate my body

I fell off the exercise wagon since the last post.... no surprise my weight climbed back up to 251.5.

I hate it... I friggin hate this shit. I crave carbs I crave bread... I want to devour entire collumns of cookies and jelly beans. I want to be a body at rest. I got so tired of exercising my ass off only to get small incremental results of 1/2 pound... even after logging all my calories etc showing I was "in target" I was making no progress... I gave up.

It was the wrong thing. I have to fight the LAZY urge to say "F* it" I give up.

I hate changing up at the gym... I hate it that I sweat to simple work and it drips in my eyes... I am sick of dieting and not seeing any REAL friggin results. I hate trying to go for walks only to get shin splints part way through.

This bites... I hate my body ... it wants me fat. It wants me unhealthy and lazy.

Just getting it off my chest... I realize I don't much traffic but if you are reading this I sure could use some encouragement.

Must fight urge... Must overcome my body's complacent urges... Must get back on track.


Kim Ayres said...

There's charging in and crash bashing your way forward, and there's creating tactics to make it easier to succeed.

Firstly, stop thinking you can defeat all your demons by will power alone. You need to identify the different things that cause you to overeat.

If you've not looked at it before, check my post Why did I overeat?" and understand there are several things going on at the same time, each of which need to be tackled.

You're a chess player, so you understand strategy. Imagine for a moment that you under attack, not from a single craving, but from a team, each with their own peculiarities and strengths (and weaknesses).

To use a rather poor chess analogy, imagine the Queen is eating habits - times when you expect to have food, like in front of the tv. Let's say the rooks are your trigger foods - foods which make you crave more - usually high in salt, sugar and/or fat. The bishops could be your sense of self esteem, or self loathing and feeling that somehow you don't deserve to be fitter and healthier. The knights could be emotional mood drops which can seem to come out of nowhere. And the pawns could be all the food surrounding us in the supermarkets, on the shelves, on the tv, on the billboards - everywhere bombarding us with the desire to consume.

So even when you've got the queen trapped or under control, the knights can still wreak havoc. And just when you've knocked one of them off the board a bishop can come out of nowhere.

If you stop thinking of this as a linear battle, like a tug-o-war, and more like a strategic one, it might help to find more effective ways to succeed.

Hope this gives you some ideas. My apologies if it all comes across as complete bollocks.

Half Man said...

I understand you are frustrated. I think Kim probably knows it best of all and he has some sage advice. I think you can do it. I don't think your body wants you fat. In fact, I believe your body want you to be fit. The problem is that our habits and our minds do a lot trip us up. After trying to lose weight all my life, I decided to go for fitness instead of weight loss. With fitness as my goal, the weight has been coming off. Even better, I am doing things I never imagined I would do. I am over 250 lbs., but I have run in 3 races. The last one was a 10k. My point is that perhaps, you should look for a different reason to eat healthy and exercise. The bottom line is you can do it. Don't let this bump in the road deter you from what you know needs to be done. Next time, you get discouraged, remember how much worse you feel when you gain pounds instead of losing them, even losing them very slowly.

Don Q. said...

If you are still blogging and still trying and still haven't given up, you are winning! Your body is stubborn in its unwillingness to change its form and habits, but it cannot resist forever.

Anonymous said...

Knights of the Round Bottoms? Sir Man Boobs? lol. :)

I weigh >250 and am on a crusade to shed pounds. And yes it causes all kinds of fun--health problems, tight airline seats, and those embarrassing breaking chairs!

This year I finally gave up on finding inner "determination" and "motivation". I've always been lazy and probably always will be. I joined a program where I see cardio and weight trainers daily and a nutritionist and psychologist from time to time. I shifted my schedule to get up at 5:45am and exercise 2 hrs/day plus keep a food journal.

That may be too drastic for you, but consider outside help. You are an IT engineer I guess like me, so you are probably very busy, but you should have some 'resources' set aside. But then you have kids in college... so maybe not! Mine's only in Pre-K so she's not too $$$.

l.f. of the knights errant

phishcake5 said...

I can empathize with your struggle...if not for the fact that I've been a bike junky most of my adult life I would be right there with you. Have struggled with worse addictions than overeating in my life...and still struggling at times with over eating and unhealthy eating.

The things you said really brought back memories of my own personal battles. A book I read awhile back by called "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D was a real turn around for me. Something he talks about in detail in the book is Discipline which he defines as 1. Delaying of gratification 2. Acceptance of responsibility 3. Dedication to truth 4. Balancing.

A couple quotes from the book "We must always hold truth, as best we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest, than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and, indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for truth. Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs. Necessary that the higher centers of our brain: judgment be able to regulate and modulate the lower centers: emotion."

And this one "The act of love--extending onself--as I have said, requires a moving out against the inertia of laziness (work) or the resistance engengered by fear (courage).

Want to thank you for continuing to fight Blunderprone, because in doing so you have inspired me to keep fighting:)

Twice the Man said...

Hey Jeans, hang in there and let us Knights know how your doing.

Anonymous said...

Of course it's not easy, if it were we'd all be superstars with supermodel bodies.

I've known you for along time. I've seen you go through many challenges. You managed to stay clean for 19 years now, go back to school TWICE and get a two degrees, raise 7 kids, and many more. These are not the easiest of feats. You just need to find that determination and that drive. This is just a different challenge. Of course things are not going to change over night, but getting into the habits and continuing with these habits. Also, I agree with Half Man, you should not be looking to loose weight but become more fit. We all have different body types and there are things we just can not change about our bodies, but it's about developing the healthy habits and doing the things that we have the ability to control.

Keep up the good fight and dont get discouraged by the little things.