I hate myself... I hate my body

I fell off the exercise wagon since the last post.... no surprise my weight climbed back up to 251.5.

I hate it... I friggin hate this shit. I crave carbs I crave bread... I want to devour entire collumns of cookies and jelly beans. I want to be a body at rest. I got so tired of exercising my ass off only to get small incremental results of 1/2 pound... even after logging all my calories etc showing I was "in target" I was making no progress... I gave up.

It was the wrong thing. I have to fight the LAZY urge to say "F* it" I give up.

I hate changing up at the gym... I hate it that I sweat to simple work and it drips in my eyes... I am sick of dieting and not seeing any REAL friggin results. I hate trying to go for walks only to get shin splints part way through.

This bites... I hate my body ... it wants me fat. It wants me unhealthy and lazy.

Just getting it off my chest... I realize I don't much traffic but if you are reading this I sure could use some encouragement.

Must fight urge... Must overcome my body's complacent urges... Must get back on track.

Happy doctor

I hit 244.5. I went to see my doctor today and was beginning my tirade about how I am exercising, counting calories and making healthier choices and how it seems like I am going nowhere. The doctor stopped me and said " But I was going to ask you how you lost the weight."
It's slow. I hit plateaus. But steadily, I am losing weight. The doc explained to me that the plateaus are normal as my body shifts its mass to making muscle when we exercise. It sometimes spikes up. Patience and persistence is required.

Onward.

PTHS ( Post traumatic Holiday Syndrome)

On the 21st of December I weighed in at 247 and the next time I dared look at the scale was on January 2nd. As the scale was "warming up" ( digital scale) I was saying to myself " If it's under 250 I'll be happy." It returned with 247! No gain, despite the peak intakes on chritmas and New years eve festivities. My home elliptical broke over the break adn I was too far to drive into the work gym. Thank god for a record snow fall as shoveling equates rather well as a replacement exercise routine.

Later... I hope to be less of a man this year.

Doctor's Order

Yeah yeah yeah... It's been a while.

I peaked back up to 255.5 and when my doctor saw me, I was told to move more and eat less. ( same old same old)

So what's different now? I joined the fitness center at work. I had my Resting metabolic rate (RMR)done and picked up a piece of software that helps me keep track of my intake and my exercise routine. I am doing 30 minutes a day on the elliptical and have been maintaining this now for 3 weeks.

I am back below 250 at 248.5. I am eating within my "budget" and targeting 2 lbs a week.... so far so good. This is going to be tough entering the holiday season but I can manage. I survived T-day ... peaked beyond my "loss budget" but stayed within my "sustain" budget based on my RMR. So it was no surprise to see I didn't lose any weight... but I didn't gain either and I just got back on my 30 minutes a day regimen.

My first goal is get off of High blood pressure medication. My second goal is to get off the CPAP... but I've said that all before.

Happy holendaise ... I mean Holidays ( damn food on my mind)

Back to 248

I am still battling my Jelly Bean addiction. I "relapsed" a week ago, but I picked myself back up. I am just checking in.

I saw the Doctor since my last post. My BP is still uncomfortbly high and I need to lose weight. Duh.

I am trying to work on portion control now. I am consistently still making better choices, so i guess that's an upswing. I just need to watch the volume of these good choices.

Breaking the silence

Yes, I fell off the face of the earth. I need to rat on myself because a little honesty is what really makes the differnce when one wants to change certain aspects of their lives.

My weight is back to where it was originally. I'm walking more, I'm making better meal decisions ( trying to make better portion decisions) but I have to confess, my jelly bean addiction was hidden from this blog ( aside from the blatant spoonerism of my moniker). I have been compensating with HUGE quantities of gourmet jelly beans, quantities you can buy at a wholesale club. Everynight, while working on my other life crippling addiction, I'd have fistfulls of jelly beans while practicing chess. Zero-fat, no points Right? WRONG!

So from this day forward, let it be known... I, Sir Belly Jeans, am a recovering Jelly Bean Addict to which I admit my powerlessness. I surrender. Today I make a concious effort to stay away from the sugars of bunnies.

Trending in the right direction

Its been a hectic time the past few weeks. Stressors at work and at home usually triggers me into adverse eating habits. I am still hanging in there and have resolved to keep it simple for my self. Learning how to not throw it all away while under fire is a big step. Some may regard it as a baby step but for me its a huge step. I'm still focused on making good food choices ( lower in fat and high in fiber) but have thrown out the point counting for the time being. I can say I make good choices about 80% of the time and try not to go over board during the peak. Its at the point now where its not "foreign" for me to make the right food choices. Having fatty foods has taken on the feel of "this is not right".

I need to increase my activity to the point its not "foreign". This is the next baby step I need to take. What I am really trying to do is change my lifestyle to healthier one. If it requires accounting.. and points and weighing food ...this is not going to work for me long term. I realize I have to make gradual changes that i can internalize. Then its a natural progression, one that I can sustain.

I want to thank you all for nudging and encouraging me. I am a tenacious person ( as seen in my other crippling addiction called chess). This is a great vehicle to keep track of my journey.

Oh, and I have gotten rid of 1.5 lbs. I am down to 248.5 lbs